What do you call an essay that was meant to fail?

There are only two rules to follow when writing an essay in response to something:

You must barely even mention the original work so every misunderstanding is forgiven.

You don't like or dislike something; you're always going to say you like something even if you don't cause bitches teachers love it when you like their... errr "stuff".

And, as a bonus because you're... let's say "special": you never, EVER say you think, you just say what you have to say, you state it like you actually know what you're talking about, you must always be confident in what you write even when it's total bullshit. If you don't believe me, just think of how the Twilight saga got published in the first place.

When you're wrong about a statement, you must make sure the reader blindly believes in everything you state like it's the universal truth, and carefully explain why the reader, who already knows and has evidence that you're wrong, changes his mind and realized that everything he knew, or thought he knew, was wrong. I've heard that if you're good enough, you can even start a religion.

Other than that you mostly know what's up with the essay writing process:

You state what we already knew about the main theme of the story; albeit with fancy words so the commonwealth doesn't confuse it with what they said about it in their minds.

You further explain what we already knew but add a couple irrelevant details and claim they were important to the plot just because you noticed them and so happen to remember them.

You make up a story of how this is important nowadays that has nothing to do with the plot you explained before but give it a major they in the end that somehow connects it with the story so it looks like you knew what you were saying all along.

And you end with a bombshell. Thank you and don’t forget to tip the waitress!

You're doing it wrong

[Background: this is an essay responding to the topic of popular mechanics by Raymond Carver]

There are only two rules in decision making:
Don't promise anything while happy
Don't take important decisions while angry

Even though these rules are simple enough for pretty much anyone with half a brain to understand, we all tend to believe ourselves as an exemption, and since our state of mind is compromised during these special (though rather common) occasions, we never think twice the real effects of these decisions in the long term; it even on the short term for that matter.

The belief that you must make everyone happy when you're happy, or miserable when you're angry, which the help of whatever tools you find, being decisions the most important for the objectives of this essay; leads to the most unfortunate consequences mice you get out of this state. Just imagine you get married or something, and you promise your new wife /husband/both a week in that place you both always wanted to visit, but couldn't because you hadn't enough money; but now you can! Thanks to that promotion in the company you hate even though you previously provided to yourself you were going to resign as soon as next week. These how you'll have to stand against your principles for another two years of so.

How imagine you broke her favourite Ming dynasty jar when he/she got mad at you for not "following your dreams", even though had already claimed that jar for you during the divorce. That's thousands, if not millions of dollars you'll never see again thanks to that little rage; plus two years of your life gone to trash on that company you hate, and heard just filed for bankruptcy, to pay for that non-refundable trip you never took.

And don't get me started on the baby.

I was just following orders

[Background: this essay was written as a project for my history teacher after a visit to the "Memory and Tolerance museum" in Mexico city as a personal opinion responding not only to the Nazi's actions, but every genocide in modern history. Needless to say, I went left while writing my "essay" but I think it's cool.]

“But what if I don’t” said I, as she approached my desk with that creepy smile she likes to make to those of my kind. “It must be done by Wednesday” she replied as she handed a list with the details of our next job to the leader of our clan.

And so it was done; the Tuesday night prior to the due date I sat in front of the computer with the mission of proving my loyalty to our superior by writing a detailed description of the events she forced me to witness the week before, as well as explaining the possible motives this men used to justify their actions.

I really didn't want to... but I was weak. “They were the bad guys” they said, “they killed millions with no real reason”. Those phrases kept buzzing in my head during the entire exhibition, but I knew why this men did what they did, or at least I thought.

“A lie told a thousand times becomes a truth”

_Joseph Goebbels

It has to be that. You just have to tell everyone your own convictions until they become their convictions as well. If this happens not only will they accept their fate, but they’ll also ask you personally to carry it out! That must be it! Or is it? Have I been blinded too by der Führer’s words? Did he lie to me?

Coming to think about it, He was as good at writing speeches, convincing people, as he was good leading his people, his armies.

We have long been told that betrayal is worst kind of evil in this world. When you realize what’s really going on, it’s probably too late. He trusts you. Leaving is not an option, you’re surrounded. Helping those you hurt will only lead to your own termination, and just escaping isn't an option either; you’re replaceable and he who is given your place may not be so benevolent. Benevolent. That’s a strong word for someone who has been where you have been, who has seen what you have seen, who has done what you have done. How do you dare call yourself like that?

The sun will soon rise and rumors that my superiors will soon come to inspect the quality of service I bring to my guests can easily be true. They must in their best form when they arrive.

“Folks, we will soon receive a very special guest. We have to… we must impress him or else… or else... The schedule is simple you’ll clean your rooms, make sure your workstations look as clean as they can be, and then… before the breakfast… you will walk past the… uh… kitchen ovens! Yeah, past the kitchen’s ovens and into the showers so you’ll be clean when He arrives. I’ll see what I can do but I guarantee you anything; chances are you won’t have to work today.”

I couldn't help but cry. I saw them smile for the first… and the last time.

I was furious, for He wasn't just a regular inspector, he was the Führer himself. My speech, the way I delivered, I don’t know. It was the worst day of my life.

He gave me a promotion.

And I accepted. I couldn't believe it. Why? WHY? I don’t know why… I just… I… I was just following orders.

About this blog

The objective of this blog is to express my more often than not misinformed opinion on an apparently random but somehow relevant topic which resembles the way I feel at a particular point in my life, be it happy, sad, depressed or just lonely.

Let me explain: although I'm not a particular fan of literature in general, I find the essay as a fun and easy to write medium to express the way I feel by talking about a completely different subject, which is important for me since I'm not really good at expressing what I actually feel; this is pretty important for a teenager who has always had problems making new "friends" and keeping the ones he already has. 

Inspired by my literature professor I have finally decided to do something with my "talent" (as defined by him) in order to... say what I feel.

Please do not expect my work to be professional or perfect in any way, to be delivered at regular intervals, or anything of that kind. I'm just a lonely teen who wants to hello to everyone who wants to read my blog.