What do you call an essay that was meant to fail?

There are only two rules to follow when writing an essay in response to something:

You must barely even mention the original work so every misunderstanding is forgiven.

You don't like or dislike something; you're always going to say you like something even if you don't cause bitches teachers love it when you like their... errr "stuff".

And, as a bonus because you're... let's say "special": you never, EVER say you think, you just say what you have to say, you state it like you actually know what you're talking about, you must always be confident in what you write even when it's total bullshit. If you don't believe me, just think of how the Twilight saga got published in the first place.

When you're wrong about a statement, you must make sure the reader blindly believes in everything you state like it's the universal truth, and carefully explain why the reader, who already knows and has evidence that you're wrong, changes his mind and realized that everything he knew, or thought he knew, was wrong. I've heard that if you're good enough, you can even start a religion.

Other than that you mostly know what's up with the essay writing process:

You state what we already knew about the main theme of the story; albeit with fancy words so the commonwealth doesn't confuse it with what they said about it in their minds.

You further explain what we already knew but add a couple irrelevant details and claim they were important to the plot just because you noticed them and so happen to remember them.

You make up a story of how this is important nowadays that has nothing to do with the plot you explained before but give it a major they in the end that somehow connects it with the story so it looks like you knew what you were saying all along.

And you end with a bombshell. Thank you and don’t forget to tip the waitress!